By Chris Wright

@SouthamptonFC Unreal looking girl that sits 4 seats next to me that keeps giving me eyes. Can you tell me who sits in block 24 seat 626?

— Timothy (@_timcorn) December 21, 2014

In a tale to truly warm your cockles on this bleak January morn, one Southampton fan is on the verge of finding true love thanks to an assist from the Saints themselves.

Pesky old Data Protection laws meant that the Saints’ Twitter bods were unable to answer Tim’s request (see above) but, following a series of Tweets, the club have done all they can to help the lovestruck fan make his move at today’s game against Arsenal.

The unfolding love story is all captured in the video below…

Let’s face it, with a bloke in a giant dog suit as your wingman, failure is not really an option.

Good luck Tim!

                          

By Chris Wright

As is par for the course once a year, Mexican side Club Tijuana have unleashed their brand new home kit amid nightmarish scenes thanks solely to their terrifying “hell hound” mascot…

“Kali Ma…KALI MAAAA!!!!!”

Don’t know about you guys, but we’ve always thought sleep was overrated anyway.

On a lighter note, the unveiling bash looked like a rare old hoot!

The new uniform unveiled Wednesday at Caliente Casino. #adidas #GoXolos pic.twitter.com/tnGM62kKPE

— Club Tijuana (@xolosofficial) January 8, 2015

(Photo: @xolosofficial/Twitter/Thanks to Pies fan Boxy Woxy for the nudge)

                          

By Chris Wright

Not content with a place in his own side’s pre-game team photo, “Batu”, the slightly horrifying mascot for the ongoing  U-20 South American Championship in Uruguay, also attempted to cunningly sidle his way into Brazil’s official team shot before kick-off.

Sadly, he was spotted at the crucial moment, leading to this magnificent image…

Timeless.

The real question, we guess, is what in the name of holy hell is that thing actually supposed to be?

(Photos: Globo/Via: Dirty Tackle)

                          

By Chris Wright

As you may recall, Cologne striker Anthony Ujah got into a spot of bother over the weekend for man-handling the club’s beloved mascot, Hennes the goat, after scoring against Eintracht Frankfurt on Saturday.

After publicly apologising to his “best friend” for being unduly rough, Ujah then sought to make amends with Hennes in person yesterday – visiting the little chap’s stables to wish him many happy returns on his birthday as well as festooning him with gifts of fresh carrots and the like.

Say what you like about Ujah, but the guy certainly knows the quickest route to a goat’s heart…

(Photos: Anthony Ujah/Facebook)

                          

By Chris Wright

Presenting the official club mascot of Ryman Premier League side Tonbridge Angels FC: The imaginatively named ‘Tonbridge Angel’.

The Angel apparently never goes anywhere without his bodyguard, which appears to be either former West Brom manager Alan Irvine or Father Ted…

Absolutely no expense…well, expended.

What the hell is that thing supposed to be? It looks like an store-soiled Easter egg dressed up in knock-off Pokemon pyjamas.

Definitely one to add to the list of Craptacular Football Mascots, we think.

(Photo via @ThePigeonStands)

                          

By Chris Wright

This post first appeared on Pies a year or two back but we’re having to re-post it in order to restore it to our database after it was mysteriously deleted. Feel free to enjoy the craptitude all over again.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin…

1. Spitfire the Dog, Eastleigh FC

That hat…

(Thanks to @Iwantcurlyhair2 for the nudge)

2. Hammerhead, West Ham

Like Optimus Prime’s cross-eyed little brother…

3. Toby Tyke, Barnsley

This is what happens when you let the Wacaday wardrobe department dress your matchday mascot…

4. ???, Real Valladolid

The ’99 Valladolid side line-up alongside what appears to be a giant gormless carrot…

5. Terry Byte, Fulham

He’s a computer. It’s a clever play on ‘terabyte’ you see…

6. Jünter the Foal, Borussia Mönchengladbach

Fetlocks? More like shitlocks…

7. Darkie, Aston Villa

Harking back to a simpler, more racist time…

8. Slavek and Slavko, Euro 2012

You guys just suck…

9. Lucifer’s rottweiler, Club Tijuana

Terrifying…

10. Bazi, Bayern Munich

Had Enid Blyton been born and raised in Bavaria, Noddy would probably have looked a little like this…

11. Naranjito, 1982 Spanish World Cup

An undoubtedly loveable cool little orange fellow on paper, the whole concept broke down once the human legs were grafted on. The skirt also seems a little unnecessary…

12. Mrs Growler, Huddersfield Town

Rubbish…

13. ???, Barcelona

Giant, one-eyed penis in an inflatable jumpsuit? Perhap, perhap…

14. Millwall Lion, Millwall

My Millwall Lion, what a lovely parasol you have…

15. Erwin, Schalke 04

Raul obviously hates him and that’s good enough for us…

16. Desmond the Dragon, Rochdale

We’ve seen more intimidating dragons in our time…

17. The Pitman, Hednesford Town

Because all miners were blue and had beaks…

18. Benny the Box, Telford United

The budget is obviously a bit tight at Telford….

19. Pilgrim Panther, Boston United

Someone’s been up all night on the Pro Plus and Strepsils…

20. Mr Testicles, Everton

The cause was a noble one (to raise awareness of testicular cancer) but the inescapable truth is that Everton dressed some poor sod up as a giant pair of hairy gonads and had him parade around Goodison…

Bonus entries…

The Tonbridge Angel, Tonbridge Angels FC

Like an five-foot tall Easter egg in cheap knock-off Pokemon pyjamas…

???, Algeciras CF

We’re reliably informed it’s supposed to be a scoreboard…

(Thanks to @estadios_Spain for the spot)

Hjalte the Viking, FC Vestsjælland

Those eyes. They’ve seen some terrible things…

(Thanks to @SkggrOvrAadalen)

This way for more mascot-based shenanigans on Pies.

                          

By Chris Wright

‘Twas Javier Zanetti’s big send off in Milan last night, with a team of the Inter stalwarts’ chums taking on an All-Star XI at the Giuseppe Meazza.

Also present was the downright terrifying ‘Mascotte of Milano Expo 2015’ – a blood-curdling, Triffid-like demon beast made solely from vegetable matter and dark magic…

Kill it. Kill it with a pan of lightly salted water on a rolling boil.

Christ. It’s like a Giuseppe Arcimboldo painting come to life in a hellish scene from the pits of a waking nightmare.

Suggested further reading…

20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots (Photos)

                          

By Chris Wright

You wait ages for a craptastic mascot and then two turn up at once!

Following hot on the lettuce-y heels of Javier Zanetti’s nightmarish vegetable friend comes the cautionary tale of Super Leo, the Austria Vienna lion mascot who took his 42nd birthday celebrations just that little bit too far at the weekend.

Having begun drinking well before kick-off, by the time Austria Vienna’s 2-1 victory over Wiener Neustadt was over, Super Leo was – pardon the pun – absolutely f**king roaring pissed!

Sensing his moment, the sweaty lion removed his head and went charging out from the touchlines, lolloping and yawing as he went before eventually collapsing in a motionless heap in the middle of the pitch.

The club medical staff then gathered and attempted to move Leo, but he was so drunk he didn’t know if it was arsehole or breakfast…

Remember kids: Never drink and mascot. Not even once.

                          

By Chris Wright

What you see above you is FC Cologne’s club crest being projected, approximately 200-feet tall on the Hoover Dam in Arizona.

Why? Well, it’s all part of a scheme devised by German PR agency Oliver Schrott Kommunikation (OSK), who decided that splashing Hennes the goat across the dam was the best way of showing off the structure’s brand new and extremely powerful lighting system.

OSK, it should be mentioned, are based in Cologne and as such have an inordinately high number of FC Cologne fans among their workforce.

Under the quite wonderful headline ‘Biggest ever Hennes’, the official Bundesliga website confirmed that the enormous Cologne logo covered an area of 39,000 square metres – a new Guinness World Record.

FC Cologne’s executive director, Alexander Wehrle, told the site:

“The fantastic photos of the FC logo on the Hoover Dam are an honour for us and we’re naturally very pleased.”

“It’s great that FC fans are working on such extravagant projects and ensuring that 1. FC Köln has a presence on one of the most famous structures of mankind.

“That is truly something special.”

Cologne striker Anthony Ujah must be made up to see his good friend Hennes hitting such heights.

(Via Bundesliga/Image: Bundesliga.com)

                          

By Chris Wright

Looking like something crawling around in the background of a Hieronymus Bosch painting, this is the thing that Oldham Athletic used to try to gee up the crowds at Boundary Park with once upon a time.

His name is Chaddy the Owl, though ‘Chaddy the Hideously Deformed Swivel-Eyed Mutant Bat Creature From Your Deepest, Darkest Nightmares’ might have been a more fitting moniker all things considered…

Don’t be alarmed children, Chaddy is just watching you while you sleep…

Mercifully, Chaddy was given a much-needed overhaul in the early 2000s and is a little more photogenic these days as a result…

He’s also one of the more colourful club mascots in English football, as a quick skim through his Wikipedia entry duly attests…

Many thanks to traumatised Oldham fan Daniel Barrett (@EvilBazz) for the tip-off!

Suggested further viewing…

Craptastic Mascot of the Day: The Tonbridge Angel
20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

                          

By Chris Wright

Welcome to Washington DC, Johan…

Nope, us neither.

Hands up, there isn’t a single thing we can tell you about this blue, fuzzy, matted, snorkel-faced, aardvarky-looking monstrosity except that it served as mascot for NASL side Washington Diplomats during the mid-to-late 1970s and early 80s.

We have no idea what it is supposed to be. We have no idea what its name is/was. We only know that it is going to haunt our waking nightmares from now until the end of Christendom.

Here we see it feeding by feasting on the souls of the living…

Horrific scenes.

More Craptastic Mascots on Pies…

Chaddy The Owl (Oldham Athletic)
Javier Zanetti’s Vegetable Friend
The Tonbridge Angel (Tonbridge Angels FC)
20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

                          

By Chris Wright

Hey everybody. Meet ‘Kingsley’, Partick Thistle’s absolutely bloody terrifying new club mascot…

Introducing our new mascot, designed by @davidshrigley, Kingsley. pic.twitter.com/78HQuQCUI8

— PartickThistle FC (@ThistleTweet) June 22, 2015

Kingsley was designed summoned into the mortal realm through the fiery gates of the underworld by Turner Award-nominated artist David Shrigley, a lifelong Partick Thistle fan who also happens to be a close personal friend of the manager of Kingsford Capital investment firm, the club’s new principal sponsor.

Shrigley told the official Partick Thistle website:

“As a Jags man it’s an honour to be involved with the club in this way. I can’t wait to see my design on the front of the shirts and around Firhill and just hope the fans like what we’re trying to do.

“It’s safe to say we have a few surprises in store for the supporters and we’re already in talks with a few other artists to arrange some pretty exciting giveaways over the course of the season.”

He failed, however, to provide us with any instructions on how to kill Kingsley before it spawns and condemns the Earth to a nightmarish bloodbath apocalypse.

                          

By Chris Wright

With Partick Thistle foisting their new mascot, Kingsley the soul-reaper, on us yesterday, we decided to have a shufty at some of the other risible mascots football has been besmirched with over the years.

Indeed, we decided to focus on the land that pretty much introduced the concept of the modern day mascot, the land of the Phillie Phanatic and the Capital City Goofball: the good ol’ Yoo Ess of Ay.

Taking in MLS, NASL and a few from the North American minor leagues, here’s our pick of the worst of the worst…

Dynamo the Dragon, Kansas City Wizards (circa 1997)

Dopey the Dragon would’ve definitely been more apt…

Twizzle, Los Angeles Galaxy (circa 1997)

He’s only gone and laddered his tights…

Cozmo the Alien, LA Galaxy

Sadly, Twizzler the intergalactic turkey was soon replaced by this slightly vacant looking fish-type creature (the one on the left)…

Sparky the Soccer Dog, Chicago Fire (circa 1998)

Made entirely from an old carpet sample book…

Sammy Sounder, Seattle Sounders

A killer whale, in case you were wondering…

Tac-Tik, Montreal Impact (circa 1998)

Nice shorts…

Washington Dips (circa 1981)

Johan still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night to this day…

Winger, Vancouver Whitecaps

Obviously the dim-witted runt of the duckling litter…

Chicago Sting (1976)

Pele gets shaken down for his loose change by the world’s angriest looking bumblebee…

Kingston the Lion, Orlando City (circa 2014)

Like something from Return to Oz…

Chivas Goat, Chivas USA

Quite the transformation…

Sidekick, Tampa Bay Mutiny (circa 2000)

Begrudging point for the name, zero for the execution…

Stinger, San Antonio Scorpions

So disturbing he requires a military escort wherever he goes…

Just so you’re aware, they even had Stinger burst out of a giant cake at his grand unveiling…

Islamico the horse, Dallas Burn (1999)

‘MURICA! F**K YEAH!

Tampa Bay Rowdies

Yes, it’s a sock…

Surf Dude, Tacoma Tide

Totally rad…

Rapidman, Colorado Rapids (circa 1997)

The last thing you remember seeing before waking up naked deep in the backwoods…

Thor, Minnesota Thunder

The bastard lovechild of the Norse God of Thunder and Gordon Ramsey…

Jose Clash the scorpion, San Jose Clash (circa 1998)

Run Richard, run! Before it’s too late!

Q, San Jose Earthquakes

If this thing was the answer, it must have been an incredibly stupid question…

Before anybody starts: Yes, we know ducks don’t have litters.

Suggested further viewing…

20 More Utterly Craptastic Football Mascots

                          

By Chris Wright

Introducing the one and only Elvis J. Eel, erstwhile mascot of Southend United and a truly sorry, sorry sight if ever there was one..

Do eels have ears, or are those supposed to be vestigial face fins?

We can imagine the board meeting:

“Chaps. We need a new mascot. Something that embodies Southend’s never-say-die spirit, our noble, warrior-like ethos and the faint fishy aroma that envelopes the town.”

“One word: Eel.”

“Ah yes, the mighty eel. Sure to strike fear into the hearts into all our of enemies.”

“And what about mixing in a bit of Elvis Presley too? Everybody loves Elvis. Sideburns or a quiff or something?”

“Now you’re thinking! Right lads, I do believe we’re done here. Let’s f**k this right off and get back on the cocaine.”

The worst bit? Elvis is only one of two craptastic mascots belonging to Southend, the other being the equally baffling and vaguely phallic Sammy Shrimp…

What a team.

UPDATE: Oh sweet Jebus. It gets worse…

@waatpies you think this is bad, this was the original Sammy Shrimp https://t.co/HC1ySYt5zW

— Dave (@SchummerDave) July 15, 2015

More Craptastic Mascots on Pies…

20 MLS And NASL Football Mascots Of Yesteryear
Chaddy The Owl (Oldham Athletic)
Javier Zanetti’s Vegetable Friend
The Tonbridge Angel (Tonbridge Angels FC)
20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

                          

By Chris Wright

Today’s dip into the murky waters of ropey football mascots takes us to Mexico where we’ll becoming face to rubbish, moth-eaten face with Pachus, long-time mascot of Liga MX side CF Pachuca.

Pachus is supposed to be a gopher (Pachuca are nicknamed ‘Los Tuzos’ – The Gophers), though he looks more like a mangy old bulldog with a lifelong addiction to sleeping pills and the number of Stuart McCall’s barber…

As you can plainly see, Pachus doesn’t come close to resembling a real gopher – as seen here (with winter coat) for comparison’s sake…

What’s more, our Pachus also has a history of being incredibly inappropriate with members of the Pachuca workforce…

Despicable behaviour, and in front of the family stand too.

More Craptastic Mascots on Pies…

Elvis J. Eel And Sammy Shrimp (Southend United)
20 MLS And NASL Football Mascots Of Yesteryear
Chaddy The Owl (Oldham Athletic)
Javier Zanetti’s Vegetable Friend
The Tonbridge Angel (Tonbridge Angels FC)
20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

                          

At a rain-lashed London Colney, several of Arsenal’s stars took part in the viral ‘Dizzy Goals’ challenge yesterday to help raise money for the Global Goals campaign.

First up were Mikel Arteta and Theo Walcott who both faired equally poorly (despite somehow escaping with a 100% scoring record) before the club’s real big hitter stepped up to the plate.

With an assist from manager Arsene Wenger, Gunnersaurus duly showed Arteta and Walcott how to properly dispatch a dizzy penalty – or not, as the case may be…

Just so you know, the Dizzy Goals Challenge aims to raise awareness of The Global Goals – a series of ambitious targets to end extreme poverty, fight inequality and tackle climate change to be agreed by 193 world leaders at the UN on 25th September.

It’s not just professional footballers dicking around. It’s all very worthy stuff.

With wins/half-way convincing performances hard to come by and FA fines stacking up, we think it’s fair to say that things really aren’t going Jose Mourinho’s way at the moment.

Things started really boiling over during Chelsea’s tetchy 2-1 defeat at West Ham last Saturday, with a small boy apparently responsible for sowing the first seed of discontent in the Upton Park tunnel.

According to former West Ham winger Stuart Slater, who was present at the match, Mourinho made a bet with one of the Hammers mascots just shortly before kick-off.

Recounting the moment on the Knees Up Mother Brown podcast, Slater said:

“Before the game Mourinho was talking to the ball boys and mascots and one of the mascots said to him ‘we’re going to beat you!”

“When he returned from the warm-up, he came back into the tunnel and asked which one of the mascots said West Ham were going to beat Chelsea – one of the boys put his hand up and said ‘it was me!'”

Mourinho apparently told him: “If we win I’ll have your shirt – and if you win, I’ll get you a signed Chelsea shirt.”

“Whether it happened or not, I don’t know – but it was brilliant that he could have a little bit of banter before the game,” Slater added.

Ordinarily we’d hope that Mourinho had the good grace and gumption to uphold his end of the wager, but let’s face it – nobody wants a signed Chelsea shirt at the moment.

Monday night saw the annual Guldbollen (i.e, the Swedish Player of the Year) award gala take place in Stockholm, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic taking home the gong for the ninth consecutive year and the tenth time overall.

While the award itself was little more than a foregone conclusion, there was a sweet moment when Ibrahimovic was reunited with two young fans who melted everybody’s cold, cynical hearts back in June with their starstruck reaction to the Sweden striker ahead of a Euro 2016 qualifier against Montenegro.

As Ibrahimovic passed the two lads in the tunnel, both were instantly rendered temporarily agog – much to the delight of the watching world.

Anyway, the trio crossed paths again on the Guldbollen stage, with the youngsters even giving the PSG forward a bit of priceless advice going into this weekend’s Euro 2016 play-off against beloved neighbours Denmark…

How lovely.

It’s been a while since we last featured a craptastic mascot here on Pies, so we thought we’d weight back in with an absolute howler.

To that end, we’d like to courteously thank our pals over at La Casaca for bringing this…thing to our attention.

Introducing Levante’s bargain basement mascot Granota Boja (which translates as “Crazy Frog”), who is quite honestly one of the shoddiest creations we’ve ever laid our disbelieving eyes upon…

Sheesh. We appreciate times are hard and corners need to be cut, but seriously?

More Craptastic Mascots on Pies…

Chaddy the Owl (Oldham)
Elvis J. Eel (Southend)
The Tonbridge Angel (Tonbridge Angels)
Pachus the Gopher (CD Pachuca)
20 Craptastic MLS Mascots Of Yesteryear

“Take that you feathery sh*tter!”

Hear ye, hear ye. A fully grown, supposedly adult male has been arrested today for attempting to punch an eagle.

For attempting. To punch. An eagle.

It just so happens that the bald eagle in question was Crystal Palace’s mascot, named Kayla. The incident occurred during the local derby against Charlton back in September.

The Independent report thus:

The 34-year-old has been detained on suspicion of violent disorder and attempted criminal damage.

He remains in custody at a south London police station.

Apparently, the would-be-eagle-puncher was one of 12 men arrested and bailed in connection with disorder both inside and outside the ground during the match at Selhurst Park.

What a bloody world we live in, eh?